Kellyanne Conway, Donald Trump’s New Campaign Manager, Managed Todd Akin’s “Legitimate Rape” Scandal

If you were on or near the planet Earth in 2012, chances are you remember GOP Missouri Senate candidate Todd Akin. Is the name not ringing any bells? He’s the guy who claimed that “legitimate rape” rarely results in pregnancy, saying specifically that “if it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try and shut that whole thing down.”

Yeah. That asshole.

Akin’s “legitimate rape” quote belongs in the opening chapters of a book on what not to do or say when running for public office. It’s the thing Todd Akin will be forever remembered for, and something political pundits will reference, sometimes jokingly, a century from now.

Now let’s turn toward America’s favorite rotted-out pumpkin spice bagel, The Donald.

This week, Donald Trump desperately needed a new campaign manager (thanks Russia!). He needed someone with experience tackling major, weapons-grade national scandals, something Trump seems to be able to create on a daily, if not hourly, basis.

To find someone like that, you need to think back over the past five or six years, and try to remember the biggest Republican scandals. In doing so, you might end up finding a campaign manager with scandal management experience. An Olivia Pope, if you will… but not black, because this is the GOP we’re talking about.

Enter Kellyanne Conway, the latest career casualty campaign manager to sign on with Donald Trump’s shambling bid for the presidency. Conway is often billed as a conservative “strategist” and “pollster,” but her biggest claim to fame prior to hopping onboard the Trump Train harkens back to 2012, when she was a pollster with Todd Akin’s campaign.

Examining how Kellyanne Conway handled the “legitimate rape” mess might give us some insight into how she’ll go about managing Donald Trump’s constant string of scandals. What sort of advice did she offer Akin to help him through that legendary campaign crisis? How did she instruct Akin in his time of desperation?

By telling Todd Akin to stand his ground… like David Koresh.

Some of you might be too young to remember David Koresh. Back in 1993, David Koresh ran a nutjob cult calling themselves the “Branch Davidians” in Waco, Texas. The feds sieged his compound for 51 days, and Koresh refused to leave. His cultists burned the place to the ground, and all 76 of themselves along with it, when law enforcement finally attempted to move in on them.

It’s not exactly a positive story of perseverance or heroism. Despite how poorly the government reacted to and handled that situation, David Koresh was still the bad guy in that story. No one should be turning to him and saying “I want to be like that asshole when I grow up.”

But that’s precisely what Kellyanne Conway did. During an interview in 2012 with fellow right-wing nut-bag Tony Perkins (who previously blamed gays for natural distasters, only to lose his home in a natural disaster this past week. Karma, bitch!), Conway admitted that, in the midst of Todd Akin’s scandal, she had instructed him to hold out and stand firm the same way David Koresh did in 1993:

“I believe that the establishment will have to look at this race and they will have to hold their nose because the first days—and I’ve expressed this to Todd as my client for a while now, I’ve expressed it to him directly—the first day or two where it was like the Waco with David Koresh situation where they’re trying to smoke him out with the SWAT teams and the helicopters and the bad Nancy Sinatra records. Then here comes day two and you realize the guy’s not coming out of the bunker. Listen, Todd has shown his principle to the voters.”

It really leaves you wondering what sort of advice she might offer Donald Trump whenever his butt flaps lips open up and fart noises words come pouring out uncontrollably.

“Donald, this scandal is killing us, but you need to go deeper into the caves, like Osama Bin Laden did at Tora Bora. Find inspiration in the world’s most infamous terrorist… you can do this!”

This election has been equal-parts hilarious and depressing. It just got a big unhealthy dose of both with Trump’s having hired Kellyanne Conway. The next few months are going to be very entertaining indeed.

Photo by Gage Skidmore