It seems unfathomable. Sickening even. The thought of waking up the morning of January 20th, 2017, and turning on the TV, and realizing that Ted Cruz would soon be inaugurated as America’s 45th President… don’t worry, you aren’t the only person who just threw up in their mouth a little. Imagine what I just went through having typed that?
It’s difficult to imagine something that could possibly be worse than Ted Cruz becoming America’s President. Picturing him behind the Resolute Desk, his characterless, pitiful ugly grin that makes him look equal parts like he’s smug, ignorant, crass, and smelling a concoction of farts from Guy Fieri, Gerard Depardieu, and Rush Limbaugh — especially Rush Limbaugh — all at the same time. How long would America last after he was sworn in? I’m not sure, but I doubt we’d make it through 2017 in one piece.
That terrifying mental image of a Ted Cr… hurrggh… a Ted Cruz… hurrrrrrrgggghhh… a Ted Cruz Presidency… hurrrrrrrgggggggghhhh… is scarier than any horror movie, more vomit-inducing than any episode of Tosh.0, and more depressing than every emo song ever written, combined. I apologize for any sleep you might lose over picturing it in your head.
But, believe it or not, there are actually worse things that could happen than Ted Cruz becoming our next President. Horrible, gruesome, nightmarish things. Things you’d never wish on your worst enemies. And as macabre as it is, I’m going to list ten of those things in this article.
Why the hell would I subject our readers to this sort of punishment? While I highly doubt Ted Cruz could ever actually win the presidency (seeing as how he’s hated by Republicans almost as much as he’s hated by everyone else in America), I do like to hedge my bets. And if he does manage to win the primary, and then somehow goes on to defeat Bernie Sanders or Hillary Clinton in the general election, this list can serve as a sort of “hey, it could be worse” piece.
If you can think of something worse than a Ted Cruz presidency, use the hashtag #WorseThanCruz on Facebook or Twitter so we can see them!
So, without further ado, let’s give Tums a great financial week and list ten things that would actually be worse than a Ted Cruz presidency. And yes, before you ask, most of these things are unrealistic and could never actually happen. But they’re just as possible as Ted Cruz becoming president, so hey, count your blessings.
10. Stepping barefoot on Legos three times per week, when you least expect it, for the rest of your life. You’ll never know when it’s about to happen, but it always happens, and it’s guaranteed to happen three times every week. At first you’re like “my body will grow accustomed to the pain,” but you quickly realize that no… these are Legos we’re talking about.
9. You crash-land on a deserted island, and Donald Trump’s latest book is the only book you can find. “Crippled America: Make America Great Again” is the only book on the entire island. Pretty terrible, isn’t it? Well, at least you know you’ll have 208 sheets of toilet paper, so there’s that.
8. A doctor tells you you’ve acquired a bizarre allergy, and can only eat Applebee’s for the rest of your life. I realize some of you actually like Applebee’s, but I can’t for the life of me figure out why.
7. Being locked in a room, and your captors won’t release you until you watch every Nicolas Cage movie ever made (yes, including and especially the bad ones). We’re not talking about Con Air and The Rock and Leaving Las Vegas. You have to watch every Nicolas Cage movie ever made. Even 1990’s Fire Birds. You’re probably thinking “I’ve never even heard of that!” Yeah… and there’s a reason you haven’t. A very, very, very good reason.
6. Having Taylor Swift write a song about you, and using your first and last name in the title. You know that one truly-horrendous thing you did? It’s about that. And now, everyone in the Western world is going to cry about it.
5. Every time you try to watch porn, Sarah Palin’s face covers up the stuff you’re trying to look at. That’s right… every single time you try to watch an adult video, or look at dirty photos, or tune into Cinemax at 4 am, you’re going to see Sarah Palin’s face covering up the various points of interest. And don’t you dare consider “going for it” regardless… she’ll just start saying “You betcha!” loud enough that everyone will know what you’re doing.
4. Star Wars: The Force Awakens totally sucks. I don’t even want to think about this one. Moving on…
3. Being forced to spend 24 hours with Justin Bieber. And no, you can’t just repeatedly punch him in the face until you fall asleep. I think of every contingency here, folks.
2. The world runs out of bacon entirely, forever. You read that correctly. No more bacon, ever again, for anyone. Not even turkey-bacon. Heck, not even whatever the crap that stuff is that vegetarians pretend is bacon. And as if this list wasn’t bumming you out enough already, now you have to think of that smug face your vegetarian friend made when they tried to tell you that it “tastes the same as real bacon.” No, it doesn’t. It really, really doesn’t.
1. Ted Cruz winning a second term. Truly the worst thing ever, other than Ted Cruz becoming our President? Ted Cruz somehow winning a second term. Though this one is the least-believable, seeing as how America would no longer be a country by then.