Do you unfortunately live in a predominantly-Republican neighborhood? Are you looking to scare your ultra-conservatives in-laws half to death? The team at Firebrand Left is on the case! Here are some great Halloween costume ideas that will fill the pants of the RWNJ’s in your life faster than coming home as a child with a pillowcase full of nothing but candy corn.
A black registered voter: Republicans are terrified of black voters. Just look at their insane voter ID laws and the absolutely sickening nonsense they’re pulling in Alabama right now, and you’ll quickly come realize that a black person voting is one of the scariest ideas you could put in front of a Republican.
A proud member of a union: Imagine the horror a Republican must feel when they encounter American workers who love their union and are proud to be a part of it. Collective bargaining? That’s some scary stuff right there!
A strong, independent woman: Not really a particular woman… any woman will do. Few things terrify Republicans quite as much as the notion of a woman working hard to obtain a great career that she loves. Just show up wearing business attire and carrying a briefcase, and the rivers of poo will run deep in their drawers.
Sensible gun legislation: I’d imagine it would be pretty difficult to dress up as a piece of legislation. You’d probably end up looking like the Schoolhouse Rock Bill, only sadder and a lot further away from Washington than the steps of Capitol Hill.
A happily-married gay couple: This costume requires a friend, but isn’t friendship what Halloween is all about, sort of? Vincent Price would struggle to strike fear into the hearts of Republicans more than seeing two consenting adults who love each other and are legally married. Why is that so scary to them? Who the f–k knows.
An infant whose been born already: Republicans love few things as much as unborn babies. But what about a baby whose already been born? Their admiration seems to suddenly fade into anger, doesn’t it? Parents using WIC, SNAP, and Medicaid to help raise a baby, keeping them clothed and fed? Screw that noise! That baby needs to get a JOB!
A person who achieves great things in life thanks to a public education: Gutting public education is pretty high on the Republicans’ to-do list, so one thing that definitely terrifies them is a person who, with a free public education in a state with better education standards than, say, Texas (whose textbooks recently referred to slavery as a “forced migration”), advances on to accomplish great things with their lives. It disproves their theory that all public schooling is wasteful and all-around horrible, so this Halloween costume will definitely scare them into staying in bed with the lights on for a few weeks.
A Typical Muslim Person: Islamophobia and conservatism go together like Halloween and candy. Republicans see a Muslim, and their brain immediately conjures up images of Al Qaeda training videos, George W. Bush standing on the rubble of the Twin Towers, and ISIS cruising around Syria in a Toyota Tacoma. They don’t understand that the vast majority of Muslims are just as sickened by terrorism as the rest of us. Then again, the list of things they don’t understand is a pretty long list otherwise.
The Koch Brothers, Angry: To really understand Republican fear, you need to look at who gives them their marching orders: the infamous Koch Brothers make an excellent Halloween costume, especially if they seem angry, because an angry Koch Brother might yank your campaign funding and leave you penniless in your pursuit of power. Ask Scott Walker how scary an angry Koch Brother is… if you can even find him, that is.
President Bernie Sanders: Probably the #1 thing that scares Republicans? Bernie Sanders defeating Hillary Clinton in the primary and moving on to the White House. Ann Coulter has been telling her readers that a Bernie Sanders primary win means a Democrat in the White House, and Bernie is kicking ass in general election polling. If he wins this primary, Republicans are utterly hopeless in 2016.