Remember When Hillary Clinton Tried Communicating With Dead People?

In 1996, Bob Woodward revealed to the world that then- First Lady Hillary Clinton, anthropologist Mary Catherine Bateson, and “adviser” Jean Houston would sit around together, trying to chat with the dead. For real. That’s actually something that happened. Hillary even admitted to it!

Clinton apparently held conversations with Eleanor Roosevelt, asking her for advice and help in being a better First Lady. She would also annoy the spirit of Mahatma Gandhi with needless conversation.

We’ll have to take Clinton at her word when she claims these “chats” didn’t include Ouija boards, candles laid out in pentagrams, bowls of pigeon blood, or nakedly chanting in some ancient dead language.

Now, the headline for this article mentioned that this story makes Donald Trump look bad, and you’re probably wondering how that’s possible, especially since Trump didn’t participate in these séances (well, as far as we know anyway). Well, that answer is pretty obvious: Hillary Clinton isn’t suing my pants off right now, and I think I can safely say she never will.

Bill Maher, Prostitutes, And Other Wacky Times The Trumps Have Sued

It might be one of his least presidential pastimes, one that should disqualify him from the presidency in the eyes of any voter with an IQ higher than their own shoe size: Donald Trump loves to sue people. He uses lawsuits the way some people use marijuana. And if that analogy were any more on-point, Tommy Chong would be Trump’s running mate.

In 2006, Donald Trump sued journalist Tim O’Brien after O’Brien wrote in a book that “The Donald” was worth less money than Trump claims he’s worth (it’d be nice if he’d show us his tax returns so we can actually verify that worth, wouldn’t it?).

In 2013, Trump threatened to sue comedian Bill Maher over a joke, after Maher likened Trump to an Orangutan. Also in 2013, Trump sued Miss USA pageant contestant Sheena Monnin after Monnin alleged the contest was rigged.

And Donald isn’t the only Trump to love throwing around lawsuits. His wife and favorite plagiarist, Melania Trump, recently threatened to sue the Daily Mail and any other news outlet that dares report on the story after the U.K. tabloid looked into whether or not Melania was ever a prostitute during her modeling days. That story is still developing as I write this.

And Trump isn’t offering any indication that he intends to slow down with these types of lowbrow “I know you are but what am I?” lawsuits. In fact, back in February of this year, Trump vowed that if he’s elected president, he’d “open up” libel laws, making it even easier for him to sue those who have the audacity to slight or insult him.

Let that sink in for a moment: if elected, Donald Trump might just sue anyone in the media who challenges his regime. Anyone who points out his mistakes. Anyone who tells jokes about him, his goofy hair, or his tiny, tiny, tiny hands.

And now we come back full-circle to Hillary Clinton. Whether or not Clinton has any kind of sense of humor remains to be seen, but one thing is certain: she doesn’t throw around lawsuits over libel or defamation, probably because her skin is thicker than a roll of toilet paper dumped into a bucket of orange juice and left to soak for an hour or two.

I’ve been live-writing a book, White Houses, Blue Dresses, for the past few months, with chapters published weekly. The book is a work of satire, turning Hillary Clinton into a proper villain, and goofily romanticizing the Bill Clinton/ Monica Lewinsky scandal. I doubt Hillary Clinton even knows that my book exists, but if she did, I’m pretty confident she wouldn’t sue me over it, regardless of how not-funny she’d think it was.

Why? Because she’s not a spoiled child, that’s why.

No one mention to Donald Trump that there’s a chapter in said book where he goes golfing with Bill Clinton and makes unwanted sexual advances toward Monica Lewinsky, okay? Thanks.

I’ve been incredibly critical of Hillary Clinton in the past decade or so. I’m definitely not a fan. But however much I dislike Clinton, and regardless of the number of reasons why I think she’d not be a great president, it’s pretty obvious that she’s a rational, mature adult human. She’s someone who can take pointed criticism and not utterly lose her stuff.

Entrusting someone like Donald Trump with nuclear launch codes — someone who sues comedians and journalists and beauty queens — could be the most dangerous thing the American people have ever collectively decided as a society to do. Teddy Roosevelt once gave a speech after being shot by a failed assassin. Donald Trump can’t even take jokes. Let that sink in before you make your decision this November, folks.

Photo by FDR Presidential Library & Museum