On October 29th, 2015, Paul Ryan was elected to succeed John Boehner as the Speaker for The House of Representatives. Originally Ryan refused the job because he could do far more damage to the U.S. Economy as a member of the Ways and Means Committee than he could by trying to teach the Freedom Caucus how to use utensils in the House Cafeteria.

This effectively puts him third in line for the succession to the President of the United States. Which means he is exactly two Chipotle burritos away from the most powerful position in the world, and forces us to take him a little more seriously. So what do we know about him?

Paul Ryan was elected to Congress in 1998. Since then he has cosponsored 975 bills (Only 175 of which have passed, and only 100 of those were Republican bills.) Of the 70 bills he himself introduced, only 2 have passed. One to rename a post office in his district. One to remove an excise tax on arrow shafts.

That’s what Paul Ryan has done for Wisconsin. A newly named post office, and a cheaper shaft.

Not bad for seventeen years.

He entered the national spotlight in 2012 as the vice presidential running mate to the ill-conceived Romney Campaign. If you don’t remember any of that, and I can’t think of why you should, you would probably remember something about a fitness enthusiast, who, along with denying climate change, posted pictures of himself blasting his quads in a P90X routine while his wife turned the Congressional floor into an Etsy party.

He still hasn’t achieved Michele Obama-sized guns, but he’s strongly against waiting periods.

Ryan is also a member of the neo-troglodytes who worship at the sociopathic feet of novelist Ayn Rand, whose works have often been cited as a roadmap of Conservative Economics. To those who actually read, this is like asking Stephanie Meyer to negotiate peace talks with Israel and Palestine because of how well she handled the rift between Vampires and Werewolves.

No word on whether Ryan is Team Edward or Team Jacob.

He is, in his own words, “as pro life as a person gets.” He opposes gay marriage, wants to give the petroleum industry $40 billion in tax breaks and balance it by defunding solar, wind, and geo-thermal industries. Obviously he wants to defund Planned Parenthood, but he also has his sights set on the Department of Education, the IRS, and very specifically, NPR.

Probably because he doesn’t understand the jokes on ‘Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me.’

His Medicare Voucher plans were referred to as “the worst kind of right-wing social engineering.”

Newt Gingrich said that.

I swear to God.

Ryan, as a Catholic, swears to God as well, especially while criticizing Pope Francis, because “they don’t have real capitalism in Argentina.”

The shining light in all of this is that Paul Ryan can no longer wreak the kind of havoc he has been promoting between squat thrusts and military presses. A Paul Ryan in the shadowy background is terrifying. A Paul Ryan in the lime-light, who is placed in a position where no success can be achieved, and every failure becomes a 24 hour news-cycle, will be thoroughly career-crushing, and eventually, lead the people of Wisconsin to give him the shaft.

Photo by Gage Skidmore

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